Usually I'm More Patient.....

Well, now that we know surgery is a go, I'm really wanting to just get it over with. I'm ready for the end of the story, in a sense. Ready to be done with all of it - the appointments, the finances, the insurance company, blah, blah, blah. I love fall, and would really like medical things to not interfere with MY plans.  There is a rushed, irresponsible part of me that wants to forget the Wisconsin Chiari Center and just go with Dr. Tew. However, I understand that there is wisdom in many opinions on the matter, and will continue with the plans to get multiple opinions. I have great respect for the Chiari Center, however I have learned that their surgical treatment for decompression is considered "controversial" in the chiari world. Instead of making more room for the brain, they shrink the cerebellar tonsils ( I believe by cauterizing them) to create less pressure on the arteries and brain stem. They seem very thorough, in that they have many doctors on staff to deal with the large range of chiari symptoms, who all work together to get you back to normal and take everything in to consideration. I think this is a great way to look at it. They will also look more thoroughly in to my back problems, stomach aches, nerve compression, etc. I'm looking forward to hearing what they have to say, but also knowing that it will not be the same as what Dr. Tew said. I've also learned that after care is a struggle for most chiari patients, so I am praying that God leads me to a caring doctor locally that can help with chiari issues after surgery. Hopefully Mayfield or WICC can help in this.
Anyway, I'm usually pretty patient, and am the one to just wait on God, but in the moment right now, I feel like I'm having to hold myself back from charging forward on this on my own and just getting it done to be done.  A few days ago, I felt like the appts were way too close together, and now I feel like each day drags by, while we just wait and wait to get another opinion before we can make a decision. And in the meantime, we're still waiting to find out if the girls have chiari. I need this, though. I need to learn to be patient even in this circumstance and use this time to pray, and wait on the Lord. He hasn't told me to charge forward with Dr. Tew. That's just me. Not that God has told me "no" to Dr. Tew, either. Talking in circles - point is, I need to just chill out, stick with the plan to get more opinions, and wait on the Lord. But it is not easy.
If anyone is interested in what all surgery will entail (by the way, surgery is a given, it's just which surgery will we use - unless of course God heals in the meantime - more on this in a minute), conquerchiari.org is a great resource. On the main page, under the head pictures, there is an option to click on "Treatment" - this is a pretty good overview and has some line drawings that are a lot less graphic then the actual surgical photos I've been viewing. I find them fascinating, but they may gross out other people. The line drawings do a fine job. The drawings are almost more difficult for me to view because they show the position of the body during surgery and that just looks so painful to have my head bent like that. I'll be sleeping, and they'll be doing brain surgery, but the position of my neck is what scares me. Go figure. That just shows you the kind of pain chiari people deal with.  Anyway,  the Conquer Chiari site is very good at explaining a lot about chiari, and the surgery.
About God healing.....I understand that we are to pray for healing, believe for healing, and that God does heal immediately and fully sometimes. And that is supported by scripture. I am praying for healing, and believing for healing, although I do not know with complete certainty when it will come. But I don't want anyone thinking that just because I may wake up tomorrow and still have a brain in my neck, that God is not hearing. He is. And if I wake up tomorrow and have chiari, I will praise Him, and if I wake up tomorrow morning and do not have chiari, I will praise Him. He knows best which way is best for me in the end, and which way will bring Him the most glory which is the purpose of my life after all. Now I know that He loves me, and His ultimate desire for me would be that I not have to go through this. He did not create people to initially have to deal with these issues. Chairi was brought in to the world along with suffering and death after humanity chose to reject God. But in the Garden, I would not have a need to be strong, or bring others to Christ., or to gain wisdom, etc. We live in a fallen world, and I think that sometimes God allows us to go through things to grow us to be who we need to be. I do however, believe that this process we have to go through grieves Him.  He doesn't want His child to be in pain. But He sees the bigger picture. Just like I don't necessarily enjoy correcting Elizabeth and Allison (not that chiari is a correction or punishment - just hear me out), it is necessary to train them to be women who glorify God. I can see bigger than they can. And God can see bigger than I can. And although He may not have completely healed me physically from Chiari, He reminds me daily that he's here in so many ways. He has protected me in countless ways from the damage chiari could've caused, and it really is a miracle that it was caught exactly when it needed to be caught, and that He TOLD me to get an MRI. I have a lot of chiari related problems, but it could be so much worse. That is God's healing hand of protection on me. This surgery will go well. I will recover well. I will be a testimony to God's protection, provision, and mercy. Not because I say so, or that I'll conquer chiari in my strength, but because God says so, and I can do all things through Christ. The world of chiari patients seems to be pretty burdened, and discouraged, and if I can bring some light in to that, some encouragement in to that world that I've never known until recently, then I would love the opportunity. God may not have taken away chiari completely from me YET, but every day I am healed and grown emotionally and spiritually. Just writing this has helped me to slow down and wait on God. Writing about the things He's done, reminding myself. Seems like David went through that in many of the psalms. Where it starts out sounding frustrated, and down, and then he goes over what all God has done in the past, and by the end of the psalm, he's able to praise, and rest in the Lord.
My ultimate goal in life is not to be happy, healthy, and wealthy in the world's eyes. It is to have lived an uncompromising life bringing glory to Jesus Christ. That my life would revolve around Him, and not my own comforts. If that comes with "happy, healthy, and wealthy" in the world's eyes, then fine, but if not, that's fine, too. I believe God will bless me, and that God will bless obedience. That does not mean that I will never have a bump in the road. I need this bump. It's bringing me closer to Him so that I can obey in the way He desires. He knows my future and what I'll need to be who I need to be later.
I do have happiness, health, and wealth. Chairi cannot change my joy, my eternal purpose, or my provider. It cannot take away my peace. I pray for wisdom, I pray that I am an effective witness for Christ, and I pray that He uses me and my family for His glory - whatever we have to go through to get there. I pray for blessing on my family, and healing in my body and in my the bodies of my family members. He's already healed so much that we cannot see with our eyes, and sometimes has healed physically and we've chosen not to see.
*sigh* I guess that my point is just to trust God. At least, that's the point I'm at. Pray for healing, believe for healing, but also trust in His sovereignty.
Well, now that I've written a book :0) I'm sleepy. And my precious 4 year old is awake :0)
I'll close with this from the book of James:

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord, he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does. .......
........Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.

I am not alone in this. God is with me. Building me. Molding me. Forming me. Sculpting me. And healing me.
Good night.
Love,
Colie